My car got broken into last night. More on that in a moment.

Susan and I went to the St. X - Trinity game last night. This is a high school football game, but it was for the state championship. If you aren't from Louisville you will think that is completely asinine, and you'd be right. It was her idea - but I was for it. All of our best friends are SO into this you wouldn't believe. People from New Albany, who act normally and sensibly about high school football games, would never understand. But this is not the point of the story.

Those of you in Texas may have forgotten what it is like to be cold. I must have forgotten as well. I wore zillions of layers of clothes, scarfs, ear-cover things, etc. I even took a sneaky little flask full of good old Jack Daniels along for the ride. I was actually cocky about it ... being ready for the cold, etc. I was an idiot. 1st quarter was fun, 2nd quarter tolerable. By halftime I was really cold and by the 4th quarter I was really, truly, miserable. I had this scarf wrapped around my face (actually Susan wrapped it for me, I was frozen in the "too cold to do anything but hug myself" pose) and everytime I breathed I would completely fog up my glasses. Anyway, the game ends, St. X loses (I was for St. X) ... but I am friggin ECSTATIC (because I am drunk) that after only 89 miles of hiking back to the car I can turn on the heat. This is one of those really fun little tricks God plays on us when we least expect it. Ha Ha!

When we got to the car we got THE SURPRISE .... someone had smashed my passenger side window in .... and stole Susan's purse! Yes, I am aware that we should have put it in the trunk. Yes, we USUALLY put it in the trunk. But not tonight.

To make a long story short, after many phone calls and conversations with Police officers who calmly explain that this MUST be reported ONLY by UofL campus police, we finally get the report filed. In the meantime we are calling the bank and credit card companies to discover that the thieves are not only GIANT ASSHOLES for doing this to us, they are MORONS as well. Are they buying plasma TV's and snappy new waredrobes? NO. They are out and about using our debit and credit cards at KRISPY CREME DONUTS. That's not all .... they've been to Speedway Gas Station FIVE TIMES and to Captain D's for some fried fish. And I thought I was an idiot!

Well, needless to say, I'm standing out in the cold through all of this, freezing my ass off. But, interestingly, I discover that I'm not really all that bugged about it. I realize that if something does not require a trip to the emergency room, with episodes of pain and vomiting, and subsequent long hospital stays, and even way longer recovery periods, that now, to me, it is merely INCONVENIENT.

Now, let me say that this is just as big a revelation to me as the idea about chores. Keep in mind that now I have to change all the locks on my house and Susan's car, get all new cards, get her a new driver's license, get my car window fixed, wrestle with the insurance company, etc., AND live with the paranoia that these shits are gonna show up at my house and try to steal my car and Christmas presents. (Of course none of that will happen since they are busy wiping Krispy Creme Donunt goo off their faces and then breaking into another car - but I can't take a chance.)

Now, in times past this would have been a very BIG DEAL. I'd have spend untold amounts of time feeling sorry for myself and crying the blues. But the truth is, it really is only inconvenient. Everyone please pause for a moment of enlightenment as the truth of this sinks deep into your innermost being.

Of course, I'm buying a gun and if those Krispy Creme eating M***** F*****s show up at my house, they'll get a dose of all the INCONVENIENCE me and Jack Daniels can stir up for them. Then THEY can try the old emergency room, et. al. experience for themselves, and know where I'm comin' from!

Ha Ha!