I was really worried about Christmas. I was getting the feeling that it was very stressful for everybody and that all would be better off if we just called the whole thing off, had a pizza and enjoyed each other's company. I'm still not sure maybe that would be the best idea, but at least I'm getting closer to in the mood.
I put up outside lights and the whole time I was doing it (even though this was back when it was warm enough outside to work in a t-shirt) I was borderline PO'd about it. Nobody was making me do it, but I felt pressure about it, if you know what I mean. However, now that they are up I'm really getting a lot of pleasure out of them. Same with the tree. It was way messed up from last year (artificial tree, of course), and it was a giant hassle to get it back to where it was. One of those things where it seems exactly the same as last year but took me HOURS to get it there.
Also I have a wife that is a fifth grade teacher. She is a very lovely lady, and she has some really endearing attributes (maybe from being around 10 year ilds all the time), and is also excited about getting out of school for two weeks, plus she really loves Christmas and her family, etc. That is a big help. Plus she works her butt off at home, shopping, etc. I'm blessed.
But still, it is a strange year. My dad died this past June. Actually, since he was 96 and not doing so well anymore, it was a blessing. But I'm having episodes of that real strong, poignant, painful nostalgia ... not necessarily about dad ... but just lots of memories. Come to think of it, I always have that this time of year. So, either this year is not strange or ALL years are strange. Christmas songs on the radio are very powerful catalysts for this. Holy smokes, I can be just regular old normal, click on the radio and next minute be on the verge of tears, with a flood of memories that span five decades.
So what I hope will happen is that as I go through the motions being as genuine as possible and doing it all the best I can, I'll have a moment where I can for just one instant really connect with those that mean everything to me and that they will know with total clarity that there is one person on this earth who loves them so deeply, so completely, so unconditionally, that they will never be alone, never be without a safe place, never be without a support person to call.
But sometimes that magic moment is pretty elusive and I just have to trust that they know. I'm pretty sure they do.
Now if I feel that strongly and am capable of loving that much, and if God is way better at this than I am, well, then, I figure I'm gonna be ok in the end. And so will you. If the next 50 years go as fast as the last 50, I'll be checking out of here in about 20 minutes, so that is an important point. It's hard to imagine that while I was in a bad mood putting up the damn Christmas lights that I was IN REALITY being an instrument of God's love. But it is true.
Next blog I'll try to lighten up some. It being Christmas and all. Ho Ho Ho!
I put up outside lights and the whole time I was doing it (even though this was back when it was warm enough outside to work in a t-shirt) I was borderline PO'd about it. Nobody was making me do it, but I felt pressure about it, if you know what I mean. However, now that they are up I'm really getting a lot of pleasure out of them. Same with the tree. It was way messed up from last year (artificial tree, of course), and it was a giant hassle to get it back to where it was. One of those things where it seems exactly the same as last year but took me HOURS to get it there.
Also I have a wife that is a fifth grade teacher. She is a very lovely lady, and she has some really endearing attributes (maybe from being around 10 year ilds all the time), and is also excited about getting out of school for two weeks, plus she really loves Christmas and her family, etc. That is a big help. Plus she works her butt off at home, shopping, etc. I'm blessed.
But still, it is a strange year. My dad died this past June. Actually, since he was 96 and not doing so well anymore, it was a blessing. But I'm having episodes of that real strong, poignant, painful nostalgia ... not necessarily about dad ... but just lots of memories. Come to think of it, I always have that this time of year. So, either this year is not strange or ALL years are strange. Christmas songs on the radio are very powerful catalysts for this. Holy smokes, I can be just regular old normal, click on the radio and next minute be on the verge of tears, with a flood of memories that span five decades.
So what I hope will happen is that as I go through the motions being as genuine as possible and doing it all the best I can, I'll have a moment where I can for just one instant really connect with those that mean everything to me and that they will know with total clarity that there is one person on this earth who loves them so deeply, so completely, so unconditionally, that they will never be alone, never be without a safe place, never be without a support person to call.
But sometimes that magic moment is pretty elusive and I just have to trust that they know. I'm pretty sure they do.
Now if I feel that strongly and am capable of loving that much, and if God is way better at this than I am, well, then, I figure I'm gonna be ok in the end. And so will you. If the next 50 years go as fast as the last 50, I'll be checking out of here in about 20 minutes, so that is an important point. It's hard to imagine that while I was in a bad mood putting up the damn Christmas lights that I was IN REALITY being an instrument of God's love. But it is true.
Next blog I'll try to lighten up some. It being Christmas and all. Ho Ho Ho!
posted by goostermon at 7:46 PM
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